Midwinter stalling

Some nutritional filler while several drafts of essays are waiting in the queue to get adequate spicing

Probably many of you have been struggling through this time of the year, this time in the world. I’ve been struggling. Despite all the resources in my emotional backpack, all the community networks that offer support of different kinds…my executive function skills and pragmatic nature often seem insufficient for this transitional time. The intensity of what I’m experiencing is not just hitting me in the wee hours, as it has for years, not just since Bob’s death; it’s now piercing through my steadiness at different times of day. It’s to be expected with what I’m carrying, no?

I look around at my dearest friends struggling with health issues (mental & physical), economic precarity, and grief around the perceived failure of their activism, and I remind myself that I am lucky. Heart break and caregiving for someone who is moving through his own very difficult and persistent, internal challenges is only onerous and overwhelming when you think you’re alone, and we’re not. Thank goodness that I’ve been able to access spiritual tools - definitely not ones that I was raised with, but ones that I’ve been able to trust more and more as I age.

This NY Times opinion piece by the brilliant Astra Taylor will speak to some of the insecurity that many are feeling. She refers to the medicine that will help us heal from it: “Recognizing our shared existential insecurity, and understanding how it is currently used against us, can be a first step toward forging solidarity. Solidarity, in the end, is one of the most important forms of security we can possess — the security of confronting our shared predicament as humans on this planet in crisis, together.” No paywall, this is a gifted article.

I am deeply grateful for a sweet sangha where we learn to tend our emotions and thoughts through breath, a lively dance community where we sweat our prayers and offer our movements as an uninhibited offering to the collective, an intergenerational coven where we each bring our unique tools to heal and empower, an online writing community of truly supportive peers, and a nascent coalescing of folks from the Bayo Akomolafe course, We Will Dance with Mountains; what forms of solidarity and creative disobedience will emerge from our gatherings is a mystery waiting to unfold.

On top of those communal tools for processing the difficult stuff in these winter months, there’s forest bathing amidst the old growth at Point Defiance, inspiring podcasts, webinars, books, hot baths in epsom salts, weekly therapy, daily yoga, strength training, drawing, and so on. Despite this true abundance of privileges, I recognize that surrendering, as best I can, to what is out of my control, out of our control, is the piece that allows me to sleep, to move on, and get the dishes done.

I can also pause the heaving grief and fearful thoughts by writing for a bit, and then take a break, holding our cat, Avi, in my lap as we both gaze out the windows. Avi makes little chirping noises as she stares with feline longing at the birds eating stale popcorn and oats cooked in leftover bacon fat. The birds are making new songs in spring anticipation. A part of me is excited by the promise of seasons changing, and another part is agitated by the fact that life seems to be moving too swiftly while I continue to be on the short leash of caregiving our son. I look at the weary vegetation, much of which looks defeated after a week of below freezing temps, and remember that I am slowly building strength for the challenges ahead, and remind myself that I am a perennial who will blossom when it’s time, as will our son.

For those of you who do not have any interest in astrology, please ignore this link, but Chani Nicholas, who is an activist and an astrologer, often has insights that encourage me. She says: “When Pluto re-enters Aquarius on January 20th, 2024, the social order continues to rumble. Pluto is the planet of wealth, power, secrets, mystery, death, transformation, and shadow journeys. In Aquarius — a sign motivated by the needs of the collective — Pluto empowers the masses to organize, mobilize, and disrupt the systems that have failed us.”

Listening to Linda Thai’s interview on the Science and Non-Duality (SAND) podcast gave me strength yesterday. I was able to rethink the whole framing of attachment theory in relation to displacement and systemic oppressions.

Listening to Tyson Yunkaporta’s interview was a bit sobering because he’s more focused on the shadows of this time in the world, but it’s also definitely worth listening to.

I’ll be back soon with more to ponder. Upcoming posts will be on body hate as a form of ecocide, the Goddard College experiment, and what it means to come out as a witch in this moment on the planet.